Inell's Fanfiction Archive

A drive doesn’t help. There’s nowhere in the entire city that provides any sort of comfort or relief. Bones is everywhere. Three years is a long time to make memories all over San Francisco, especially when they both spent all their breaks on campus and took summer courses because neither of them had anywhere else to go. Jim is remembering everything, from the most mundane shopping trip to the more significant things. Well, significant to him, though it’s unlikely anyone else would think watching Bones try on suits or sharing ice cream on a particularly hot summer day while they walked all over is very important. It’s time like this when he hates having such a good memory. It comes in handy for exams or figuring out the best way to save a planet but, otherwise, it’s just annoying.

He and Jess end up at his cliff, but all he can think about is Bones finding him that night weeks ago. Neither of them had any idea then that they had so little time together. Damn it, they even wasted an entire week being angry at each other. He walks to the edge of the cliff, not stopping until the front of his right foot is hanging over the air. With a frustrated groan, he sits down, letting his legs dangle over the side. It’s not exactly safe to do this, but it isn’t like he hasn’t done it before. It just requires more caution than he normally exhibits, but it’s worth it because there’s something calming about not having anything under his feet.

The shuttle is probably gone by now. Bones is on his way to meet his transport to Capella IV, probably drinking whiskey or cursing the flight attendant. Or maybe both. Anything to make it through turbulence. Jim can’t help but smile as he thinks back to their first meeting. He hadn’t ever expected something so random to work out the way that it has. Hell, he hadn’t been looking for a friend, hadn’t wanted one, but, somehow, he hadn’t been able to walk away after they arrived. “He was always special, wasn’t he?” he asks Jess quietly. “Took me long enough to figure it out.”

They didn’t say good-bye. He’s glad because good-bye is so final, like an end instead of a bump in the road of life. “Fuck, I’m starting to sound like fortune cookies in my head,” he mutters. He knows that he needs to get his shit together, especially since he’s starting work tomorrow, but he isn’t sure that it’s possible today. This is the worst that he’s ever felt without even knowing why. Well, he knows that it’s because Bones is gone, but that doesn’t explain why he feels sick and is having trouble breathing, even here overlooking the city.

Up here, it’s almost possible to believe that he’s going to return to campus and find Bones there waiting for him, all grumpy because he’s been gone without telling him where. Jim scoots back before getting to his feet. Bones isn’t there this time, though. He stares at the Bay and screams as loud as he can, but even that doesn’t make him feel better. A fight probably would. It’s so damn tempting to just drive to the nearest bar, find the biggest guy there, and start an argument. He can punch until his fists hurt and there’s nothing left but the numbness because that’s better than the aching hurt and sadness.

“Don’t give me that look, Jess,” he says as he turns towards her. “There’ll be no fighting. Not with the whole Captain thing starting tomorrow. I can be responsible, you know?” He walks over to her and straddles her. “You miss him, too, don’t you? I know you liked it when he drove you, you hussy.”

He can practically hear Bones making a joke about him talking to Jess and smiles slightly. “It’s just a year, so that’s not too bad, right?” She doesn’t answer, of course, but he knows that she’d be saying something encouraging if she could talk. “You know, I’m not going to lose you, too. I’m not sure how, yet, but you’re coming with me. Damn it, I better figure that out, huh? Enterprise is going back up there in a few days, and you’ll need to be on her.”

Instead of heading back to campus, he drives outside of town to a stretch of road where he can go as fast as he wants. Jess enjoys the opportunity to really stretch her legs as he accelerates. He drives as fast as he can, not caring about anything at the moment except keeping control of his bike. It’s only when he notices that he needs gas that he slows down. Once he does, it’s like all the emotions press back down on him. Bones is gone. And there’s no way that Jim can spend the rest of his life, or the next year, speeding down empty roads to avoid dealing with it all.

When he gets back to the academy, he drives to Bones’ dorm. He sits on Jess and stares at the window, knowing that he’d give almost anything he could if Bones would just appear and wave at him. Hell, even a scowl would be welcome. There’s nothing but an empty window, though. It probably would have been better if he’d taken his stuff earlier, so he wouldn’t have to go back in there, but he didn’t realize just how hard this would be. After putting it off as long as he really can, he sighs and gets up.

“I’m not scared,” he mutters at Jess as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I’d just leave it all, but I have too many clothes in there.” He realizes how ridiculous it is to be anxious about going into a room that’s been home for years, in many ways, so he straightens his shoulders and goes inside the dorm. With graduation over and many of the students on leave before their assignments or already sent off, the building is strangely quiet.

When he reaches Bones’ room, he types in the code and watches the doors slide open. There might have been a small part of him that hoped the code had already changed, just so he wouldn’t have to go inside, but it was a cowardly part that he usually tries to ignore. After taking a deep breath, he steps inside and is immediately struck by how empty it feels. The furniture is still there, obviously, but everything that made the space feel like Bones is gone. It’s like a kick to the gut as Jim looks around and sees nothing to even indicate that Bones was living here a few hours ago.

Everything is just fucked up. He shouldn’t be here, not when the silence and bareness of the room is a visible reminder that Bones is gone. It’s not like he’s dependent on Bones or anything, but he can’t help but wonder if his life is going to end up being like this, being empty and bare. He rubs the back of his neck, pressing his thumb against a knot of tension, and actually has to take a few deep breaths before he can force himself past that irrational concern. Maybe Bones is right and he is too dramatic. It doesn’t feel that way, though. Like he’s reacting in over-the-top ways and shit like that, which he has, admittably, done in the past.

If Bones were here now, he’d probably be saying ‘stop being such a scared kid, asshole’. Jim can practically hear it, and it makes him smile briefly before he dwells on the fact that Bones isn’t here. That makes the smile fade quickly. Hell, if Bones is right about the melodramatic thing, maybe he’s also right about the masochistic thing, because he can’t really think why else he’d have come back to this room. There are memories everywhere he looks, good and bad, and it’s overwhelming in the sense that this isn’t home anymore.

Bones kept the same room for all three years and never had a roommate, so they’ve done everything here, from fighting to studying to talking to drinking to fucking. Jim can even see the mark on the wall that he made a couple of years ago when he punched it during one of their arguments, not that he can remember what they were fighting about. Probably his drinking or his whoring around or Bones being a pain in his ass, all of which were the most popular topics when they really got into it.

“C’mon, Jim. Get your shit and go,” he mutters when he realizes that he’s rubbing his thumb over the most recent bite mark that Bones left on his neck. He turns to get the box of his stuff and blinks when he sees something sitting on top of it.

He crosses the room quickly and leans down to pick up the badly wrapped package. It’s light and doesn’t make any noise when he shakes it, not that he spends much time analyzing it. He loves opening gifts, mostly because he isn’t that used to receiving them unless it’s a really important occasion. Once the paper is ripped and tossed on the floor, he stares at what he’s holding and has to look at it carefully to make sure that it actually is what he thinks it is.

“What the hell?” he murmurs as he looks at the children’s toy. It’s a stuffed animal, a rather adorable puppy, one of the old kind that doesn’t do anything but sit somewhere. There’s a rolled up piece of paper stuffed beneath the collar, so he pulls it out and sees two sentences scrawled in Bones’ familiar handwriting. He tightens his grip when he reads it. ‘I’ll buy you a real one after you make Admiral’ is written in big letters at the top. It’s the other sentence that hits him so hard that he has to sit down on the bare mattress because he can’t breathe. ‘Miss you already, kid’.

A puppy. Bones got him a puppy. Sort of. Jim looks at the ceiling and blinks, dragging in deep breaths because, damn it, he’s got to be strong. “You sentimental old bastard.” His voice is low and gruff, and it sounds weird in the silent room. Too quiet in here. He holds the toy tighter and lies down on the bed, turning his head to the mattress and sniffing. When he finally finds a spot that smells like Bones, he closes his eyes and curls up around it.

Okay. Maybe slightly dependent. Just a little. Fuck. He’s pathetic. The silly puppy is made of soft fabric and feels reassuring, somehow, when he rubs his chin over it. He’ll have to name it, of course, and provide Bones with hilariously witty accounts of the puppy’s travels around the universe. Right now, he isn’t sure that he’ll be able to pull off witty any time soon, but this will pass. He’s not stupid enough to think that this is what his life will be like for a year. Missing Bones? Sure. Sniffing mattresses and holding a children’s toy? Not so much.

It is what his life is like today, though. And, damn it, he doesn’t even care. Bones is gone, school is finished, he’s the captain of a big shiny ship, and the world keeps moving, regardless of how sad and miserable he feels at this moment. It’s barely the afternoon, but it’s been a long day already. He sighs and pulls his legs up more, holding onto the puppy tightly as he breathes in the lingering scent of Bones.

When he feels someone pushing his arm, he realizes that he must have fallen asleep. He opens his eyes quickly and rolls his head to see who is there. There’s a wave of disappointment when he sees that it isn’t Bones. He hadn’t even consciously realized that’s who he was hoping to see, not that it’s surprising. What is surprising, however, is the person still poking his arm.

“Damn it, Gaila. Stop already,” he mutters crossly, not caring that he’s snapping because, really, what the fuck is her problem? He reaches up to wipe his hand over his face, feeling for dampness, just in case. Also--“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t in your room,” she says matter-of-factly, following her words with a perky smile that makes him want to vomit.

“How did you get in here?” he asks slowly, using small words just in case she’s somehow lost her intelligence since they last spoke.

She rolls her eyes. “Your doctor gave me the code when I took him to the shuttle pad earlier. He said that I should try here, if you weren’t at home.”

“Wait. What?” Jim is gawking, he’s sure, but he probably makes it good enough that she won’t think he looks silly. “Took him where?”

“Perhaps you should go splash cold water on your face,” she suggests thoughtfully. “It is said that such measures are occasionally required when someone is not fully awake.”

“I’m awake.” He sits up and scowls at her. “Why did Bones tell you the code to his damn room?”

“I already told you,” she points out. “He said I should try looking for you here if I couldn’t find you in your room.” She glances down and beams. “Is that a human child’s toy? Oh, it’s so cute. Have you named it? Does it move?”

“Gaila, would you stop,” he mutters, putting the puppy further away from her.

“Well, it’s obvious that you need more sleep. You’re being rude,” she says.

“I don’t need more sleep. I just need some answers, damn it.” He’s starting to get a headache, or maybe he’s just hallucinating and this is a really bad, fucked up dream.

Gaila frowns. “Your doctor was very sad this morning. He asked me to look after you for him, since he’s going away, and I agreed. He’s a good man, you know? He never once talked to my tits instead of my face like most of you do. I agreed, of course. You might be a pain in the ass, but I rather like you.”

He shakes his head. “Yeah, I like you, too, but tell me about Bones. So you saw him today. Why?”

“You need to begin listening better, Jim. I drove him to the shuttle pad. Didn’t he tell you?” Gaila looks confused, which is only right since his mind is still trying to make sense of this. “He asked me yesterday after the ceremony, and I wasn’t busy today, so I said yes.”

“No, he didn’t tell me,” Jim murmurs, reaching up to tug on his short hair. Bones mentioned his ride, but Jim assumed that it was either provided transport or a taxi. He had no idea that Bones had let Gaila see him off at the damn shuttle pad but wouldn’t let Jim go. “I don’t need you looking after me, so just forget whatever you told him you’d do.”

“I can’t do that. He made me promise.” She sits down in Bones’ chair, and he has to bite his tongue to keep from yelling at her to get out of it. “Normally, I might not care about breaking a promise, but your doctor is intense and scary, so I’d rather not cross him.”

It’s obviously pointless trying to get her to listen, not that he doesn’t get it. Bones is kinda scary, especially if he was being all fanatical and shit. He’s also extremely sexy when he gets that way, but she better not have noticed that, damn it. He scowls at her, just in case she did. “I just want to be alone right now, so you can leave. You checked on me or whatever it is you promised him, and I’m doing fine, so bye.”

“I disagree,” she says simply. “You are grumpy and sleeping in the middle of the afternoon, neither of which are things that I would consider descriptive of ‘doing fine’. Besides, I told him that I’d make you got out today and didn’t spend the evening getting anxious about whatever captainy things he said you’re doing tomorrow.”

“Captainy things?” he repeats slowly. Fucking hell, Bones. Always trying to take care of him, even from another planet. Hell, he hasn’t even given much thought to tomorrow, not when he can’t get past Bones leaving. It doesn’t really matter, since he doesn’t think Gaila is going to be able to do anything about how his mood. Her cure, from what he’s been able to tell, is usually sex, which isn’t an option.

“It must be difficult to prepare for that when your doctor has been sent away,” she muses. “I have picked up my boy already, and he is waiting outside for us, so you will have both of us fulfilling my promise to your doctor today. You’ll have fun, if you stop being grumpy.”

He rolls his eyes before he looks at her. “Your boy?”

She smiles. “Pavel. I have decided that he is my boy, and he doesn’t mind. I’ve always wanted a baby brother to spoil, and he has lovely curls, though not as nice as mine.” She twirls her red hair around her fingers. “He is alone here, too, until we report to duty, so I will have the opportunity to do things that human siblings do. I have asked Nyota for specific information on such actions, so I have a list to follow. Today, we will go look for seashells and I will get him sweets to eat. If you’re friendlier, I’ll get you sweets, too.”

“Pavel? You mean Chekov? You’ve adopted Chekov?” He blinks and rubs his temple, uncertain whether he should feel sorry for the kid or not.

“Of course I haven’t. I only just had a real conversation with him yesterday, and adoption requires time and paperwork. Besides, I don’t want children. I just want family,” she tells him, and he can hear a slight change in her tone even as she smiles. He can recognize the tone, even if he doubts he’s ever sounded like that. A desire for a family, even one of their own making, is familiar.

“I’d be a terrible big brother,” he mutters when he sees her looking at him thoughtfully. “I’d tease you horribly and embarrass all of your dates.”

She smiles and punches his knee lightly. “From what I know of you, you’d refuse to be terrible at anything,” she says before she stands up. “Pavel is probably thinking that we have forgotten him, so we should go.” She leans down and kisses his cheek. “Wash your face, Jim, and meet us outside. If you’re not there in five minutes, I will send Pavel to fetch you.”

Before he can refuse, she’s left the room. He stares at the closed door and mutters under his breath. “Damn it, Bones. Why’d you have to send her?” Fuck. All he wants to do is curl up into a ball and be miserable until tomorrow. He deserves that much, doesn’t he? Bones is gone and he aches worse than he thought possible. He rests his chin on the top of the puppy’s head and glares at nothing before he finally stands up.

It’s really unfair that Bones has done this. He’s going to make sure to mention that whenever they talk. It’s not like Jim can just refuse without offending Gaila and now Chekov, too. God, he looks awful. He stares in the mirror and makes a face. She saw him like this, with his face puffy from where he so totally didn’t cry earlier and indentions on his cheek from the mattress. He groans and leans down to splash water on his face. Of course, there aren’t any towels or wash cloths now, so he has to use the bottom of his t-shirt to dry off.

At least he looks a little better now. He reenters the room and picks up the box with his stuff. He puts the puppy on top and folds the note from Bones before putting it into his pocket. “I miss you, too, old man,” he murmurs to the empty room. He leans against the door and just looks around one last time. Finally, he turns around and leaves, trying to focus on not being miserable since two far too bouncy and nice people are waiting on him. If nothing else, maybe Gaila and Chekov will have some ideas about how to smuggle Jess on-board the Enterprise.