Inell's Fanfiction Archive

Anxiety is pointless. Jim doesn’t do nervous. Not this serious, stomachache causing, mentally draining kind of nervous, at least. It’s really too bad that his own mind and body won’t listen to him when he keeps reminding himself about his carefree attitude. It’s pretty dismal when he can’t even listen to himself. This is a major event, though, so it’s not like all those trivial things that might cause nerves. He’s never had issues with approaching women or dealing with exams or talking to anyone, regardless of rank and position.

Since returning to Earth, though, he can’t ignore the fact that he’s had to deal with it a few times. The changes in his relationship with Bones have made him tense more than once. There’s been fear and worry there, still is in the back of his mind when he thinks about what tomorrow will bring or wonders when Bones is going to realize that he deserves better than Jim. Now, this whole mess with Barnett is just gnawing at his stomach until he’s convinced there must be a parasite or something in there making him sick. He’d ask Bones about it, since the whole notion of parasites comes from listening to him talk about his recent research, but he can’t let Bones know how scared he is.

Bones worries enough for both of them, on a normal day, and he’s just been worse since Wednesday. Jim doesn’t want Bones to take his problems on, too, when he’s got enough on his broad shoulders already. Their talk last night has helped him understand some of the mysteries of Bones. He still hurts for his friend, for what he had to go through with his father, and he hates the Ex even more because she just added further pain on top of what Bones was already going through. How can someone who claims to be in love, who marries and has a child, who lives for years with a man like Bones, just throw all that away because of small town gossip and narrow-minded judgment?

It’s bad enough that Bones had to help his father die, had to add the guilt of them finding a cure not long after, but to then also lose the woman who was supposed to love him and his daughter is just sickening. Jim doesn’t know anything about love, but he knows what that woman did has no foundation in it at all. That’s not love, and any idiot, even one as emotionally retarded as himself, can see that. No wonder Bones kept pushing him away and didn’t want to get too close. Bones has every reason to worry, especially since Jim's own past is pretty much already just as fucked up as his. They make quite the pair.

“Jim, it’s almost time,” Bones says as he steps out of the bathroom. He’s running a towel over his wet hair, and Jim can’t help but turn his distracted thoughts away from bitchy exes to focus on naked Bones. How could anyone ever give him up? Jim’s never really considered himself one of those monogamous types of guys, but Bones is just everything he needs and everything he never even knew he wanted.

“I need to send your Ex a thank you note,” he decides as he moves away from the window. Staring out it hasn’t helped calm his nerves, and the view inside is a lot better.

Bones lowers the towel and blinks at him. “What?”

“Well, if she hadn’t been so fucking stupid and let you go, I never would have met you,” he points out. He reaches Bones and looks at him seriously. “I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I’d never met you.”

“If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t know what you’re missing,” Bones points out.

“I think I’d know,” Jim says thoughtfully. “I spent most my life feeling aimless and restless. I thought Starfleet helped, gave me a goal and all that shit, but it isn’t the only thing that helped.”

“Damn it, Jim. You’re getting sentimental and giving me too much credit,” Bones mutters, shifting his weight from one foot to another awkwardly.

“You kick my ass, Bones. Even before things changed, you’ve been that voice inside my head reminding me about exams and when I really shouldn’t have that next drink.” Jim ducks his head and smiles sheepishly. “I probably wouldn’t even be graduating tomorrow if it wasn’t for your nagging. You took me seriously when no one else ever has,” he murmurs, looking back at Bones. “So, I should thank the Ex for being stupid enough to let the best thing she’ll ever know slip from her fingers.”

Bones kisses him hard, pulling him closer, and Jim doesn’t care that Bones is still damp from his shower and that he’s already wearing his uniform because this is what he needs right now. He needs this comfort and calm that Bones can bring out in him or he’ll never manage to make it through his meeting with Barnett. When Bones pulls back, he’s panting, warm breaths of air against Jim’s wet lips.

“You’re too damn sappy, Jim,” Bones says gruffly. “It isn’t becoming behavior for a captain.”

“Maybe I am, a little, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. Well, except when it makes me sound like pathetic teenage girl with a crush,” he mutters. “I’m not a teenage girl.”

“Obviously.” Bones touches his face. “And I won’t even begin to count the reasons why I’m glad you’re not.”

Jim slowly smiles. “It’s the cock,” he says, rather smug at being able to toss Bones’ own words back at him.

“Brat.” Bones kisses him again and tightens his grip as he hugs him closer. When he pulls back, he looks worried and sad, which makes Jim’s heart hurt. “Whatever happens, you’re not going to lose me. Not where it really matters.”

“Ditto,” Jim whispers, wishing that he could say something more reassuring but the nerves are back full-force.

“You should probably go, Captain,” Bones says as he reluctantly lets go. “You’ll call me as soon as you get out of the meeting?”

“Of course. Unless it’s good news, because I’d rather tell you that in person and not over a communicator,” Jim admits.

“Don’t call, either way,” Bones decides. “I’ll meet you somewhere, and you can tell me then. I have to drop off some research notes at the lab and run by the library, so I’ll go wait for you at the canteen nearby.”

“Alright. Unless you’d rather meet here or at my dorm?” Jim figures that he might want a kiss, if nothing else, regardless of the outcome of the meeting. Meeting somewhere public rules that option out completely.

“I have to go look up some things at the library after dropping off my research. I should be able to make it to the canteen easily enough, but I’m not sure if I’d be back at our rooms, depending on how long your meeting takes,” Bones says. He traces Jim’s pouting lips with his thumb. “We can always leave once you get there, of course.”

“Of course,” Jim echoes. He leans over for another kiss before he finally steps away. “My uniform’s damp now.” He grins. “It’ll dry well enough on the ride over, I’m sure.”

“It isn’t that wet.” Bones reaches over and moves his hand over the uniform shirt. “Barely even damp. Now quit procrastinating and go get this over with.” He squeezes Jim’s shoulder and tries for a smile. “It’s going to be okay.”

“You really do suck at the optimism thing,” Jim tells him, having to give him another kiss because, well, his lips are right there, and he’s weak.

“At least I’m trying. Now go.” Bones lightly swats his arm but his expression is anything but teasing.

“I’m going. I’ll see you at the canteen soon, honey,” he promises, laughing when Bones growls at the silly endearment.

The ride over to the admin building doesn’t seem to take any time at all. After he parks, he just sits there as he tries to gather his thoughts. This is one of the most important meetings in his life, so far, and he needs to be focused. Whatever Barnett says is going to change the course of his future, and that’s a really somber realization. Jim has no regrets, though, even if it means losing his ship. That knowledge makes it a little easier to get up and feel ready to face it all.

“Wish me luck, Jess,” he says quietly before he straightens his shoulders and goes inside. When he reaches Barnett’s office, his assistant is working, so he gives her his name but chooses to stand instead of sitting to wait. If he sits, he’s likely to tap his foot or show some outward sign of nervousness that he doesn’t want to display.

It isn’t long before she’s ushering him into Barnett’s office. He walks across the room and stands at attention. “Sit down, Captain,” Admiral Barnett instructs. His tone is unreadable, which is frustrating.

“Yes, Sir.” Jim sits down and keeps his gaze focused on the admiral’s desk.

“You’re extremely fortunate that I was able to fit you into my schedule today,” Barnett informs him coolly. “I am a very busy man, and I do not make it a habit to arrange my day around the wishes of starship captains.”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.” Jim is really pleased that he’s maintaining an even tone instead of telling Barnett where he can shove his schedule.

“What? No speeches today, Captain Kirk?” Barnett shuts a drawer of his desk with more force than is necessary, but Jim doesn’t react. “Are you actually giving me an opportunity to speak?”

“No speeches at this time, Sir.” Jim looks up from the desk and arches a brow. “An opportunity, Admiral?”

Barnett frowns, and Jim wonders if the title comes with a clause that requires no humor or smiles. If so, Pike’s got a challenge ahead of him. “I should have you thrown out of here on your bony ass, Captain,” Barnett tells him. “Ultimatums are for those who have the power and authority to back such statements, not pain in the ass kids who got lucky on a mission.”

“With all due respect, Sir, saving the world generally provides some power, even to pain in the ass kids,” Jim points out, unable to keep just a hint of smugness from his tone.

“Christopher is right about you,” Barnett mutters. “I hate it when Christopher is right.”

“Sir?” Jim frowns slightly.

“Admiral Pike believes that the future of Starfleet is best served by a change in direction,” Barnett says in a normal speaking tone. “The old ways are no longer satisfactory, Captain. I have followed your progress from the beginning and, contrary to your opinions on the matter, I have been impressed.”

“Cap--Admiral Pike has made his opinion on the subject known to me previously, Sir,” he says simply. He isn’t going to trust Barnett, especially when he’s talking about throwing him out one minute and being impressed another.

“Despite your excellent academic record, I have never seen the maturity and judgment that is required when running a starship,” Barnett tells him. “To be perfectly blunt, Captain, I’ve found you to be reckless and careless, which are two traits that not even the most brilliant of minds can balance. Your actions aboard the USS Enterprise, while successful, also demonstrated a lack of care for the rules and an inability to follow directions.”

“There are times when one must make his own direction, damn the rules,” Jim points out. “Being a successful captain also means evaluating a situation and thinking outside the box, if necessary.”

“One cannot be a successful captain if one always lives outside the box,” Barnett says firmly. “However, since your return, I have been forced to reconsider my opinions about you. I will freely admit that I am one of those who opposed just handing you over the USS Enterprise, complete with crew, because I had doubts about your judgment.”

“Yes, Sir.” Jim can feel a nerve in his cheek twitch as he tries to keep hold of his temper. He can hear Bones in his head warning him not to cuss out a damn admiral, no matter how big a pain in the ass he’s being.

“As of Tuesday, I no longer had doubts,” Barnett says plainly. “The man who stood before me willing to sacrifice his own position in order to protect his crew was not the reckless boy who attempted to cheat his way through an unwinnable test so that he wouldn’t lose. No, this man was a Captain, and I acknowledge that I misjudged you, Captain Kirk.”

“You do?” Jim really hates talking to political assholes who can’t just be blunt and say what they mean. Barnett seems to be talking in circles, and he isn’t sure if he’s supposed to be happy or offended right now.

“I contacted my superiors after you left Wednesday to give them my recommendation, which was to support your petition regarding the choosing of your crew,” Barnett continues. “I do not have the authority to override committee decisions, regardless of my beliefs, so the matter was in their hands.”

Jim shifts slightly. Why can’t Barnett just tell him? This has to be payback for his attitude. Making him squirm and talking so damn much without actually telling him what he wants to hear most is just wrong. “What was their decision, Admiral?”

“The reason that I am telling you where I stand in this situation is because it is important for you to know that I made my choice after our meeting Wednesday,” Barnett says. “I will not, and have not, been pressured or swayed by any efforts made on your behalf.”

“Alright. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I get it,” Jim says, losing some of his patience as he keeps waiting to hear the only thing that’s important.

“You don’t, do you?” Barnett’s lips twitch, and, for one scary moment, Jim thinks he might actually smile. He doesn’t. Instead, he opens his desk drawer and removes a datapad that he hands to Jim. “I received that information from the Federation this morning along with their official decision regarding your proposal.”

Jim turns it on and scrolls through dozens of files. “What is it?”

“Over three hundred communications from the crew of the USS Enterprise in support of their captain, and more than a hundred of those are from current students here at Starfleet who have said they will stand behind you even if it means not graduating.” Barnett clears his throat when Jim looks up and gawks at him. “The loyalty that you have inspired in your crew is commendable, Captain. It is somewhat frightening to consider that they are apparently as reckless as you, but their show of support is, I’m sure, a swaying factor in the Federation’s decision.”

“My crew?” he repeats, looking back down at the datapad and pushing a button. He reads a brief letter from a cadet in Engineering before he moves on to one from Communications. How did they know? He hasn’t told anyone except Bones, who isn’t really the type to talk to anyone about private stuff, much less strangers. He looks up at Barnett. “What was the decision, Sir?”

“The ground team that is assigned to prepare the USS Enterprise for deployment has spent the morning contacting the crew to offer them positions and will continue throughout the day until most have been given the choice.” Barnett nods at the datapad that Jim’s holding. “If you go into the proper file, you will see a complete list of your crew, Captain. The list will be updated continuously until everyone has been contacted.”

“I won?” He leans back in his chair and blinks. “Was it because of me or because of the letters?”

“I cannot answer that question, Captain, because I do not know. I would suspect that it was a combination of both, since you have many supporters but the threat of losing a majority of our already small graduating class surely convinced some who are not in favor of you.” Barnett is honest, which Jim can appreciate, even if he talks around everything in that annoying way.

He looks at the datapad and goes into the designated file area. As he glances at names, not bothering to click on files yet, he starts to smile. Uhura. Sulu. Chekov. Scott. Gaila. Chapel. Dozens of other names that he recognizes from his time on the ship or from his classes. No Spock, but he isn’t very surprised about that. He’ll come around, Jim thinks. Hopes. He doesn’t see McCoy, and that makes the smile fade slightly. “They’re making the offer to everyone who’s part of the crew?”

“Not everyone. There are some who have already been reassigned, others who resigned or left service since the incident, and a few who are needed or wanted elsewhere,” Barnett explains. “On Monday, you will meet with the team and Admiral Pike to discuss the remaining positions and determine potential replacements.”

“Doctor McCoy is wanted elsewhere,” he says flatly as he looks at Barnett. “That’s what you told me before.”

“Lieutenant-Commander McCoy’s posting is confidential at this time. However, you are correct. He will not be returning to the USS Enterprise currently,” Barnett tells him. Will not be returning. The words are like a punch in the gut, and Jim’s shock and happiness over everything is dulled by the reality of what Barnett’s just said.

“He hates that title,” Jim murmurs as he tightens his grip on the datapad. “He’s a doctor, not a lieutenant-commander.”

“Actually, he’s both. Now, let me give you a brief rundown of the upcoming weeks, Captain. If you’re ready?” Jim slowly nods and focuses because this is his career, and he’s actually Captain, and he can’t get distracted by anything personal right now, no matter how difficult it is to concentrate when he feels like crying. Barnett touches the screen of his computer before he continues talking. “The USS Enterprise has been repaired, and she’s been given release to return to space. Once there, some general maintenance will be completed before she is ready.”

“When will she be going?” Jim asks as he opens a new document on the datapad so he can take notes.

“She is scheduled for release on Wednesday. The maintenance will take no more than four days, according to Engineering, so I would say expect it to take a week, at least,” Barnett tells him. “The crew will have two weeks of leave, which should give you adequate time to prepare the ship and fill any open positions. The crew will repor to work two weeks from Monday, and the USS Enterprise will depart for its mission the following day, on Tuesday.”

“So two and a half weeks,” Jim says as he looks at what he’s written. The crew deserves two weeks of leave. He’s not stupid enough to think that the Federation agrees to his proposal out of the goodness of their hearts, after all, so he knows the crew is also responsible for him being able to keep his ship and work with the people he trusts. But not Bones. He rubs his temple and starts asking more questions, needing something to hold on to right now so that he can get through this.

When the meeting’s finally over, he has a datapad full of notes and a lot of stuff to get done early next week. It’s difficult to deal with all the emotions in his head right now, though. How can he choose between the happiness at not having to resign, at being captain of his ship without having to give up his principles, and the horrible feeling that he can’t even describe as he keeps thinking about Bones. How is he supposed to tell Bones that he’s managed to remain captain but, by the way, Bones is being sent who knows where?

It’s like one of his worst nightmares has become reality. He just can’t celebrate being captain when Bones isn’t going to be there with him. It’s personal, he knows, and that’s why it hurts so much, but, in this case, he can’t separate the two. Jess is waiting for him, and he sighs as he straddles her. “I’ve got my ship, but I’m losing my Bones,” he tells her quietly. He runs his hand over his face before he starts the engine and drives to the canteen.

“What am I supposed to tell him, Jess?” he whispers after he parks. “Can I even tell him? Barnett didn’t say, but what if it’s breaking some rule or something? Fuck. I can’t do this.”

Yes, you can. Jim closes his eyes because it’s Bones’ voice that he hears in his head. Bones is always right there, just like he said earlier, and, this time, it hurts just to hear him because the ‘what if’ has become a reality. Stop being an asshole, Jim. Being captain is worth celebrating. We’ll figure the rest of it out. Jim tightens his grip on Jessica’s handlebar and tries to listen to that voice.

He can’t really break over this, even if he’s tempted. It’s always been a possibility, after all. It just hasn’t been one that he’s wanted to acknowledge or think about. Bones will know what to say to make it better. He always does. Jim just needs to stop wallowing and go inside so he can get him, so they can leave and go home and kiss and touch until nothing else matters, even just for a little while.

When he enters the canteen, he scans the crowded tables to try to find Bones. He finally sees him sitting at a table in the middle of the room, and he makes his way over, not even noticing that Bones isn’t alone until he’s almost there. Since when did Bones share a table with Gaila? Jim blinks and frowns, annoyed that Bones seems to be in the middle over a damn conversation when all he wants is to take him home and get naked. Bones looks up and sees him, arching a brow expectantly.

Jim knows what he’s asking, and he nods once, watching as Bones flashes his dimples briefly before his lips go back to the normal slight smile that most people get to see. The smile makes his pulse race, and he walks a little faster. By the time he reaches the table, Gaila is standing, and he notices that Uhura is beside her. He glances at Bones curiously because, really, he just doesn’t expect Bones to be chatting his morning away with the two of them.

“Congratulations, Captain,” Gaila says in a clear voice, speaking louder than is really appropriate. She salutes him, grinning before she steps towards him and kisses his cheek soundly.

“Congratulations, Captain,” Uhura tells him in a sincere tone that leaves him somewhat speechless. He looks at Bones again then back at Uhura.

“Do I get a kiss?” he asks her, smirking slightly. Well, he wasn’t entirely speechless. She rolls her eyes and slaps his shoulder even as she grins.

“Better be careful, Uhura. No abusing our captain,” Sulu warns as he approaches the table. He looks at Jim and smiles. “Congratulations, Captain. I’m still calling you Jim, though, just so you don’t get too full of yourself.”

“Hey, now. That’s no way to treat your captain,” Jim grumbles, unable to keep himself from smiling.

“Aye, maybe a bottle of whiskey will make it better,” Scotty suggests as he thrusts a bottle towards Jim. “For you, Captain. Not above kissing up, am I?” He winks at Gaila who Jim’s surprised to see looking him over. She shrugs her shoulder when she catches Jim looking at her.

“Congratulations, Keptin,” Chekov tells him, practically bouncing beside Sulu.

Bones still hasn’t said anything. Jim looks at him after thanking Chekov, and he feels that punch in the gut again when he sees Bones’ eyes. Proud but sad. It’s how he feels right now, so damn conflicted that he wants to scream, and he realizes as Bones looks away that he knows. Jim bites his lip and puts the bottle of whiskey on the table.

“Congratulations, Captain,” Bones drawls as he focuses back on Jim. The slight smile is back, which means Jim has to play along. Bones is right, of course. This isn’t the time or place to talk about what it really means, to them. Not when Jim’s crew is here.

His attention is pulled away from Bones when he hears more voices congratulating him. There are people standing up all around the canteen, coming over to him, joining the crowd around him. Most of them are recognizable, and he identifies those people as his new crew. “Wait, what’s going on?” he murmurs.

“It’s a celebration,” Scotty tells him, grinning broadly before he frowns. “Only, not really because they wouldn’t let me bring booze.” He points to Gaila and Uhura. “You’re not allowed to open that bottle or they’ll yell at me.”

“No, we wouldn’t, you drunken reprobate,” Uhura snaps. “We’re on campus, and some of us are still students here.”

“We arranged it,” Gaila tells him, ignoring the argument currently happening between Uhura and Scotty about the proper use of the term drunken. “After your doctor told me what was happening yesterday, we contacted everyone and had them communicate with the Federation. Whatever they decided, you’re our captain, so here we are.” She lowers her voice. “Your doctor isn’t very friendly, so Nyota and I handled the communications part.”

“I, uh, well. Thank you,” he says, kissing her forehead before he looks at Bones. He makes his way around the table, which takes much longer than it should because he keeps being stopped and congratulated. When he finally reaches Bones, he sits next to him, close enough for their legs to touch because he needs whatever contact he can get. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Bones reaches out and squeezes his shoulder. “You’re going to be an amazing Captain, Jim,” he tells him confidently. “They’re lucky to have you.”

“Yeah, they are.” He grins even as he stares at Bones. I want you, not them. “Gaila says you told her about everything.”

Bones drops his gaze to Jim’s lips, and Jim knows that he wants to kiss him. He won’t, but the desire is there. “Did she?” Bones raises his gaze and makes a face. “Guess I can’t trust her to keep a secret,” he mutters.

“She’s good at keeping secrets usually. Maybe she just felt like I had a right to know,” Jim suggests. He stops for a moment to thank someone else before he focuses back on Bones. “How did it happen?”

“I ran into her yesterday after I had a very difficult meeting. I was vulnerable, I guess, because I found myself telling her what they were trying to do to you and bitching about political bullshit.” He looks at Jim. “She’s a smart woman, you know? She got Uhura involved and, well, I just sat back and watched them work.”

“Yeah, she is.” Jim wants to ask about the meeting because he has a feeling that it had to do with Bones’ future. He doesn’t like that since it’d mean that Bones knew last night that he wouldn’t be assigned to Enterprise, regardless of what happened at Jim’s meeting with Barnett. Bones is a private person usually, but this is something that concerns them both. He knows that Bones was telling the truth about his mood being mostly shit last night due to the Ex, but now he has to wonder if there was more to it than that.

“Your crew is clamoring for your attention, Captain,” Bones drawls as he tightens his grip on Jim’s shoulder. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and Jim wonders if he looks the same way, because, as happy as he is about remaining captain, there’s a sadness that he can’t ignore. “We can finish this conversation later.”

“Not sure that I really feel like celebrating,” he admits quietly. He presses his leg more firmly against Bones’ and curls his fingers into his palms so that he doesn’t reach out to touch. “It’s weird to feel so elated yet so miserable at the same time.”

“Damn it, Jim. This deserves celebrating. You’re the new captain of the Enterprise,” Bones reminds him. “Whatever else is happening, this is a time to be out there charming your crew and being a smug asshole cause you’ve earned this. Enjoying this moment isn’t going to trivialize anything else.”

“You’re right. I have earned this,” he says finally. He smiles and actually means it. He'll think about the rest later, when they've got privacy and can talk about it. Damn, he can't believe that he's actually planning a time to talk. He nudges Bones' leg with his own. “I’m the youngest captain in history, Bones. Can you believe that?”

“Not completely,” Bones grumbles in a teasing tone, giving him a real smile. “They must be certifiable to promote you.”

Jim’s so relieved to hear the teasing that he reaches out to squeeze Bones’ knee. “Nah, they just know that I’ll be the best damn captain they’ve ever seen.” He winks as he stands up. “I’m going to go thank my crew for their part in all this madness.”