Inell's Fanfiction Archive

Willow rested her head against her hand, her feet tucked in the chair underneath her. Her hair ruffled slightly from the gentle breeze blowing in from the North. Her sigh was barely audible but carried the weight of years of doubts. Every criticism she had ever heard, every fear she had ever had, every memory of uncertainty had come rushing back at her earlier that morning. With four words, Spike had stripped her of her self-confidence and self-worth. She had worked so many years at getting over her insecurities, of pushing aside what she had been and embracing the person that she had become. She had dealt with the misgivings of studying witchcraft, the fear of having feelings for someone of her own sex, of losing her first real love to another woman. She had found the courage to learn from each of those things, to push aside the fear and grow from each experience. She liked to think she was over the shyness and low self esteem that she had lived with for so many years before meeting Buffy.

Nothing to say. That was what Spike had told her after she had trusted her heart enough to confront him, to ask him to talk to her, to try to prove to herself that there might be something more than sex. All she'd accomplished was losing what little self-worth she still had when she was with him and reminding herself what she had been years before. He didn't want her. Sure, he wanted to fuck her, but he didn't want her. She had been shocked when he had tossed those words at her and then left. She had felt so stupid and angry with herself. She'd known better. Their relationship was about mutual release of tension. He had never wanted her. It had never been about her. A part of her, the part that was drowning in insecurity, had to wonder if he'd chosen her because of her friendship with Buffy. If, maybe in some weird way, being with her was as close to being with the slayer as he knew he would get. Another part of her, the part that was struggling to maintain some aura of confidence, had to deny that, knowing that he honestly seemed to have lost interest in Buffy. Still, that doubt nagged her mind along with several dozen others.

What was it about her that prevented people from loving her? Oz had loved her but chosen another woman over her. Tara had loved her but chosen her family. Spike loved Buffy but had chosen her. And her, well, she hated to admit it, but she feared that she was growing to love Spike. She couldn't explain it, didn't understand it, but she knew she couldn't deny it. And he didn't even want to talk to her. How could she fool herself into believing that he might grow to care for her, to maybe love her, when he couldn't even hold a conversation. He'd loved Drusilla and Buffy, could even still love the slayer, so she knew he was capable of feeling the emotion. Just not for her. Why? She knew she was pretty, though not ravishingly beautiful or anything like that. She was intelligent, always had been proud of that aspect of her personality. She liked to think she was amusing though some might disagree. She had no horrible qualities that she could think of, so why couldn't he even give them a chance at maybe turning their mutual lust into a relationship?

She frowned as she realized the direction of her thoughts. She didn't want a relationship with anyone, much less Spike. Why did she let him get to her like that? She'd been doing so well the past couple of years. She'd grown into a mature young woman, in her opinion. Why did she let some pretty boy vampire's lack of affection turn her into an insecure child? Her lips twitched slightly as she imagined Spike's reaction at being called a pretty boy. Somehow, she doubted that he would find it a compliment. She didn't need him to want her. She was Willow Rosenberg, hacker and budding witch. Nothing Spike did or didn't do could change who she really was. True, it hurt that he wouldn't talk to her, especially when it seemed like they were sharing something so meaningful at times. Hurt could go away though. It lessened with time until it would eventually disappear. Knowing who she was, remembering that she was good enough for anyone who deserved her love, well, losing that would mean losing herself. No one, not even Spike, was worth that. That was a way to look at it, she decided. Did Spike deserve her love? What had he done to prove to her that he was good enough for her?

Sighing, she realized that way of thinking wouldn't work. Just as she had stupidly fallen in love with the blonde vampire, she had accepted him for who and what he really was. A vampire. A monster. A man that could make her feel things she never believed possible. He was Spike and he did deserve her, even if he was too blind to realize it. She realized how arrogant that sounded, even in her own head. Like she was some big prize. Ha, she fought her own demons every day. True, hers didn't make her go out and kill people, but they were just as ruthless and evil at times. Memories of Cordelia's condescending attitude through the early years of school, of Xander never wanting her no matter how badly she wanted him, of Oz with Veruca, of Tara leaving her at the airport. There were so many more, small memories of snide things people had said about her, things she had overheard during school from the beginning all the way through her current term. She tried to ignore them, to not listen to them. Those people didn't know her, why should she care what they said? But it was easier said than done. While she might ignore them openly, she remembered them all. It was tough sometimes being so brave, finding the courage to be true to herself regardless of what others thought. There were times that she was just tempted to let it all go, to just sit back and be what she once was, the shy girl that rarely smiled and always ached for something better. It was so much easier then. People ignored her, she had been used to not being wanted. It didn't hurt near as much then as it did now.

She always forgot that foolish idea though. There was no way you could go back and become something that you had outgrown. She still had nightmares, though. Wandering around while all of her friends chose to ignore her. Of simply disappearing. She knew it was silly to think like that. She knew how much Buffy depended on her, loved the friendship that had grown so very strong over the passing years. Even Xander, in his own way, seemed to need her around to function. They were all a part of each other, their little group, each having their own importance. Anya had grown to become a part of it as had Dawn. Tara had never really fit, always seeming a bit left out. Spike, well he might deny it, but he was part of it too in a way. She shook her head, wishing she could hold one mental conversation with herself without his handsome face popping up.

The really sad thing was that she knew she couldn't stop it. Even after spending hours crying because he didn't want her, of realizing just how deep her feelings for him were becoming, she couldn't tell him no. She wouldn't lock her door. She had grown almost addicted to being with him, their nights together something to look forward to. She wanted more, ached for more, but she knew she would never get it. To him, she was just something to fuck. Some silly human that might one day be food but, for the time being, was a good shag. That's all she'd ever be to him, she knew. The people that loved her never wanted to keep her, always leaving for something else. Maybe him not loving her would mean that he would stay, that he wouldn't find someone else.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek, cursing as she wiped it away. She had done enough crying over him, over this relationship. She had made her choice that night weeks ago. She had made it again every night that he came to her, that she opened her arms and her heart and let him in for those few hours between midnight and dawn. She would continue making it as long as he wanted her, until he left her. Not until that moment would she allow herself to shed more tears over him, over what she could never have with him. Just say no, Buffy had told her. Ha, that was a laugh. Easier said than done, she thought as she closed her eyes, trying to forget how he had made her feel, trying to forget the memories of the past that had been threatening to overtake her all afternoon, and trying to remember that it wouldn't be very many hours until he back in her arms, his eyes speaking things she dreamed of hearing.