Inell's Fanfiction Archive

Willow watched the girl below laugh with her friends as the group of students passed under her window. She sighed, pulling her arms around her body as she leaned her head against the cool glass. She had been sitting at the window for hours, ever since she had woken up to an empty bed. She knew she should leave the room, probably running away would be of the good in fact. It was obvious that Buffy was confused about their night together, but Willow didn't know how the blonde could be as confused as she herself was. After all, Buffy had been the one that had instigated the kiss and everything that had followed. Yet, Willow could understand that things had gotten carried away. She had not planned on having sex with Buffy, even if that thought might have entered her mind on a rare occasion. It was always just that random thought, the wondering what Buffy would feel like in her arms. Willow had those thoughts about people all the time, in the back of her mind. She'd never really put much into it, knowing that Buffy would never return those brief thoughts so there was no reason to even dwell on the fantasy.

But, last night, Buffy had changed all of that with one soft brush of her lips. Suddenly, fantasy had become reality. Willow would not have stopped it even if she had wanted to. She didn't know why Buffy had decided to take their friendship to that next step, and she now had to wonder if it had all been a mistake. No, she couldn't accept that. Not after their love making. She wasn't by any means promiscuous, but she wasn't a virgin either. She knew that last night had been about emotion, not just sex. The soft caresses, the gentle kisses, the tender words. Willow could still hear the sleepy whispered words of I love you spilling from Buffy's lips as they had snuggled after their third time together. There was no way that Buffy could have been lying. There was such truth in her eyes, in her words. That was what was keeping Willow the most confused. If Buffy did love her, why did she wake up alone?

Willow knew it might have been because she did not repeat the words. She had kissed Buffy after hearing the slayer tell her that she loved her, but she couldn't say something she didn't know was true. She cared about Buffy, loved her dearly as best friends should. She honestly couldn't imagine her life without the blonde, and knew that she, in fact, owed her life to the slayer. She could have said she loved Buffy with truth in her voice, but she knew it wasn't the type of love that Buffy was talking about. She knew she could love Buffy like that. There were small seeds that had been planted for so many years, the depth of their friendship and the slight feelings of attraction that had heated up the night before, but she had never given them room to grow. Now, though, she couldn't help feeling scared. What if she realized she was in love with Buffy and Buffy had decided that she was no longer in love with her?

She was caught in those thoughts when she heard the soft squeak of the door. Startled, she turned to see Buffy walking slowly into the room, looking exhausted. She frowned when she noticed a small cut on her lover's face. Concerned, she asked softly, "Are you ok?"

Buffy looked up at Willow, seeing the tiny redhead sitting by the window. She was wearing baggy sweats and an old T-shirt that she had stolen from Xander, her red hair mussed from sleep. Buffy had to smile, feeling the usual calm spread over her that Willow always brought. There was something about the girl that grounded her, brought her back to reality no matter how unreal life seemed. In a way, the redhead was her anchor to humanity. For that, she was thankful. She nodded, covering a yawn as she moved to her bed. Laying down, she sighed in contentment, "Ah, this feels good. After the last twenty four hours, I just want to lay here and not move."

Willow looked away, not able to keep the look of hurt off of her face. She got to her feet, moving towards her bed. "I didn't realize it was that awful."

Buffy frowned, moving her arm and laying her head in her hand as she looked at Willow. Her best friend had moved away from the window and was now sitting cross legged on her bed, her green eyes staring at the wall as she avoided looking at Buffy. The slayer could hear the obvious hurt in her friend's voice, having known Willow long enough to recognize every mood and emotion that the girl felt. Buffy looked at the floor, thinking back over the past day and a half. She had been in Faith's body, living Faith's life. She had almost been killed several times, hunted by the council, completely lacking in friendship or love. She had hated it all, finally realizing just how lucky she truly was for having her friends and family. Faith was alone, completely on her own. In a strange way, Buffy could admit to herself that she had been allowed a glimpse into the girl's existence, understanding in a way why Faith had ended up becoming what she had. She honestly couldn't say that in the same circumstances she too wouldn't have turned her back on her calling. Without Willow and Xander and Giles, well, there were many times she had considered just giving up and forgetting it all but they had always made her realize how much she was needed. She guessed that Faith had never had that in her life, so Buffy could see where things went wrong.

She could understand, but she could not forgive. Faith had made the decision, choosing her path back a year ago. It had been the wrong one, but the girl had made it without coercement. There was a difference in understanding how things went wrong and accepting the choices made. No, she had been surprised to see Faith at the church earlier, knowing what it had taken for the girl to accept her calling, but she still felt the same animosity for the brunette. There was too much past between them now, between them all, for her to merely shrug it all off because Faith had decided now to be good and help. For all she knew, this was just another act. Another game to ensure a few more months on a rather short life span. No, she didn't trust Faith as far as she could throw her, which had turned out to be several feet. Yet, she was glad that her former friend had managed to escape the Council. It was just too confusing to deal with at the moment, she decided as she brought herself out of her thoughts to look back at Willow. She thought back, remembering what they had been talking about. Oh, yeah, last night.

"Well, I guess it wasn't that bad," Buffy said softly, thinking about it. "Just weird, you know? It felt...weird. Definitely not something I'd want to do again, but it could have been worse. And Faith is gone, so that's an added bonus. I really hope she doesn't come back either. I don't think I could handle the excitement."

"I," Willow started, unable to continue. She had no idea how to respond to her lover's words. Weird? Not something she wanted to do again? Willow reached up and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, wondering how Buffy could use those words to describe something that was so special. "I'm sorry you felt it was a mistake."

"Are you all right?" Buffy asked, watching Willow wipe her eyes. She sat up, her eyes on Willow's profile. "It was a mistake, Willow. I really doubt it was meant to be."

"That's just mean," Willow finally said, glancing at Buffy before looking at the bedspread in front of her. "I can't believe you're being so nonchalant and cruel about it."

"Mean?" Buffy repeated, confusion marring her pretty face. "Willow, look at me. I'm really confused right now and I have no idea what you're talking about."

Willow looked at Buffy, seeing the general confusion on the features she had kissed just hours before. She stared into the familiar hazel eyes and said, "I knew this morning, you know. I just hoped that maybe I was wrong. That it might have meant something. I guess I was just stupid."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Buffy asked, irritation in her voice. She was tired and confused and just wanted some sleep in her own body. She watched as Willow's eyes flashed with hurt and the redhead looked back at the blanket. The girl's shoulders straightened and Buffy could visibly see her gathering her strength. "Willow? Talk to me. Please?"

"Why?" Willow finally asked. "Why did you start it if you didn't want it to happen? Why are you trying to act now as if it never did happen? I thought it was special, that it meant something. It felt like it meant something. Was I just stupid? Goddess, I wish I'd just said no. Were you drunk or something? I just can't get it, and I really want to understand why you're doing this now of all times."

"Special?" Buffy repeated, her face puzzled. Suddenly, her eyes widened as she replayed their conversation. "Oh my God...." she finally whispered, her face falling as she understood.

"I should leave," Willow said, not able to sit there and deal with everything anymore.

"No, wait," Buffy said, her face still stunned as she glanced at the bed and the floor, noticing the pile of blankets and pillows still laying spread out. "Oh God...not that. Anything but that."

"I can't do this right now, Buffy," Willow said, "You're my best friend. I don't want to lose that because of last night, but I thought it meant something."

"Willow, honey, it wasn't me," Buffy managed to say in a soft voice. She looked at the redhead and saw Willow's eyes narrow as she looked at her. Why did Faith do it? Why Willow? She could have dealt with anything but Willow. Even Riley wouldn't have hurt so much. Anyone but Willow.

"What?" Willow finally said.

"It was Faith. She did this body switch thing," Buffy explained, not able to meet Willow's eyes. She couldn't believe that her body had spent the night having sex with Willow and she didn't even have the memories. She felt violated in the worst way. Faith had used her to hurt her best friend. "We switched back this afternoon, at a church. I didn't know...Will, look at me."

"Faith?" Willow whispered, looking into Buffy's teary eyes. "It was her? She said those things? Did those things? It wasn't you?"

"It wasn't me," Buffy said quietly, wondering why she felt as if it should have been. Startled, she frowned, pushing that thought away. Willow was her best friend. That's why she felt responsible for her. There was nothing else there. She loved Riley. She did. He was a nice guy and he seemed to love her. She had to love him. Then why did she want to go to Willow and hold the girl until she stopped crying? Why did she suddenly find herself hypnotized by the sight of Willow's lips as the girl struggled to speak? Buffy sighed, deciding that she would sleep for several days. She was so exhausted she couldn't even think straight.

"I need some air," Willow said, getting to her feet as her mind tried to understand everything. Faith loved her? Or was it just some joke? Some way to get back at Buffy? Screw her best friend and leave her to deal with it? But, remembering the nice, softly spoken conversations they had had during the night, Willow couldn't believe it had been a joke. There had been real caring in her eyes, in Buffy's eyes. She groaned, rubbing her temples. She was getting a terrible headache.

"Willow, we need to talk," Buffy said.

"No, we don't," Willow said quietly but forcefully. She looked at the blonde slayer and tried to smile, "It wasn't you, remember? I'll deal with it. You don't um remember anything, do you?"

"No," Buffy said softly. "I spent the night in Faith's body while she was in mine. She has the memories."

"Oh, OK. Get some sleep, 'k?" Willow said, "You look tired and your body didn't get much sleep last night." Realizing what she had said, she blushed, "I mean, well, um, I gotta go."

Buffy watched Willow leave, closing the door behind her. She sighed, laying back on her bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. As her arms went around them, forming a protective shell around her heart, she closed her eyes. A tear drifted down her cheek as she began to cry silently, knowing that nothing would ever be the same between her and her best friend. She had seen the look in Willow's eyes, knew that things had happened that neither could take back. She could only hope that they could pull through this the same they pulled through everything. Together.