It doesn't hurt after the first few times. There's still pain, but Neville's used to it by the third week, so it's dull instead of sharp. He isn't sure how he manages to disconnect himself from what happens to his body whenever Carrow screams Crucio, but he can't complain. It helps him get through the days, even if he worries about retreating into his mind to avoid being hurt-like his parents.
On the worst days, he lies awake in his bed thinking about sharing a room with them, of handing out worn leaves that his fingers have folded over and over until his skin is stained green, of forgetting who he is and letting them win. He's never been very brave, but Harry isn't here now, and the students need someone, so he steps forward and tries to do what he can. It's a trade, though. Inspiring hope equals pain and fear. There are times he wonders if that's how Harry has lived his entire life, fearing the pain but facing it because many outweigh one.
She-Carrow is the worst, more sadistic than her brother, and Neville hates when she's in charge of detention. Even when he lets his mind leave during the torture, he can feel it when she's using her wand. It's hard to walk back to the dorms when she finishes with him, and he worries that one day he won't be able to make it. He's not her favorite, though. She saves that honor for Seamus, a halfblood whose flesh isn't as important as Neville's; at least, not in the mind of her demented Master.
It's not until after Christmas that he finds his escape. When he does, he feels guilty and ashamed for wanting more, for craving it, for looking forward to it when things are getting worse all around them. No one knows. No one can know. He doesn't understand it, so he knows that no one else ever would. He thinks that maybe Seamus suspects, but they don't talk about anything like that, not now when conversations are dominated by rumors of Harry's success and of plans to fight the Carrows and Snape.
He isn't good at guarding his mind, doesn't know how, so he tries not to think of escape unless he's alone. He knows that Snape can read minds, can get inside and flip through memories like they're nothing but sheets of parchment, and it's too great a risk for Snape to find out, not only for him but for Malfoy. The idea that he wants to protect Malfoy isn't something he thinks about, not until they're in a dark corner of the castle and Malfoy's wet mouth is around his cock while his fingers are twined in soft blond hair.
It's then, as he closes his eyes and thrusts forward into wet heat that he can finally find a moment of peace. He escapes into the sensations of skin against skin, of Malfoy's mouth and hands and tight arse. It's more than he ever imagined, the feeling of fingers in his arse and hands on his cock and lips on his, but it's what he needs to get through the dark days. It's what they both need.
He can see it in Malfoy's pale eyes, can see the fear and pain and haunted look that has been even worse since the holidays. Since Malfoy cornered him one night after dinner and whispered that Luna was safe and protected, for now. Since Neville snapped and demanded answers and fists hit skin and breaths became rapid and bodies pressed ohsoclose together. Since he'd rubbed himself against Malfoy until he'd come in his shorts. Since he'd kissed another man and listened to Malfoy whimper as he came.
It's a week after that incident before Malfoy finds him again. This time, there's no talking at all. There's only feeling and sweet escape. They meet a few times a week now. After the worst detentions, Malfoy finds him and uses his hands and his mouth to make Neville feel better, to help him find pleasure amidst all the pain. He shouldn't want it, shouldn't need Malfoy to help him get through this, but he does. It's wrong, he knows it's wrong and that it can't possibly end well. After all, he's seen the Dark Mark on Malfoy's arm, has touched it more than once during frenzied couplings beneath the Quidditch stands or in dark classrooms they find to use.
After Easter, there's another change, a change in the way their meeting goes, and later, when he's panting and spent, it will chill him. Malfoy speaks again, breaking their unspoken silence, issuing a whispered warning that is followed by a bruising kiss and a rough fuck that leaves marks on Neville's skin and a bite on his shoulder that he's not sure how he got. There's come dripping from Malfoy's belly and his arse when he stands up, and Neville can't look away because it feels different, it feels final, and there's a knot in his gut that he doesn't expect when Malfoy nods at him before hurrying out of the abandoned classroom.
That night, he and Seamus hide away in the Room of Requirement. He doesn't tell Seamus how he knows that the Carrows intend to kill them just to be rid of them, and Seamus never asks. Others join them during the following weeks, hiding away as things outside of their room become worse, and he feels frustrated at not being able to do anything and cowardly at hiding away and guilty for worrying about Malfoy.
When this is all over, if they're still alive when Harry wins, as Neville has complete faith in Harry and knows he'll succeed, he knows that he'll find Malfoy and do what he can to save him from Azkaban and the pain and fear that will likely be awaiting the Death Eaters who survive the war. When the time comes, he'll be the one helping Malfoy escape, and for the moment, he tells himself it's only repayment, only fair. It might not be true, but there is too much else on his mind right now, and he can't think about it any other way.
End
Escape
Story Notes:
7/25/08