Surprised to find me writing? I know, it surprises me too. I'm much more a verbal type of person. I find it hard to find the words to describe what I feel, so I tend to avoid displays of emotion. I'm finding this easier than I thought it would be when I sat down. It's strange to say, but I was a bit scared. Scared of a blank piece of paper. I know, laugh all you want. I've faced demons and vampires, hell even the Mayor, yet I found myself scared to death of what I was going to write. Am I boring you yet? I know I'm babbling now. Just wasting ink and time. I'm waiting, you see. What better way to kill time than to write down my thoughts so that maybe I'll start to understand them? I really don't see how people do this all the time. It's so difficult to think of words to describe my thoughts.
It's starting to rain harder now. I can see it falling, hear it tapping against my window. My grandmother died on a rainy day in April when I was nine. I can remember staring out the window of the hospital and hating the world, watching puddles on the parking lot three floors below. I was young. My grandmother had meant a lot to me. She had been my Nana, taking care of me after school while my parents were working or away. Losing her was when my childhood seemed to end. I had to start taking care of myself. It was tough, losing someone so important to me and having to grow up. It was then that I began to hate rainy days. Every time that it rained, I thought of the hospital room and my Nana dying. As I got older, I realized that it hadn't been the rain that had killed her. I began to love rainy days, often going out and dancing in my back yard in the mud.
I know, a bit clichéd. Dancing in the rain. I swear that I'm not making it up. I have pictures of me when I was maybe eleven or twelve, soaked to the bone with this huge smile on my face. So many things have happened since then though. I've been forced to grow up more than I ever imagined. I'm twenty years old but at times I feel twice that. I sometimes wonder what my life might have been like if I had never discovered the truth about vampires and demons and slayers. Usually, I end up accepting that my life might have been easier but I wouldn't have been as happy. Strange to think that knowing that evil lurks in the shadows could make me happy.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like my life is always happy. I've been through hell but I've survived. It's made me stronger. It's made me cherish everything in my life. I've fallen in love. Lost my first love. Fallen in love again. Lost that love. Only to realize that neither was my soul mate. Strange, now that I think about it, it was raining when I lost them both. See? Rain continues to weave throughout my life. I'm smiling, if you could see me. You see, it was also raining when I realized who my soul mate really was. True, it was just a light mist but I can consider that rain can't I? Damn right I can. This is my rambling mess of thoughts after all. I'm sure you're wondering who it is. Who my soul mate is? I'm sure by now you probably know, but I won't think about that right now. I'd rather sit here and watch the rain and think about her. I can see the eyebrows raising at that. Her, you're whispering with a surprised look.
I know. It snuck up on me too. Now, though, I look back and wonder if there was a time that I didn't love her. She was my best friend. I can admit that I took her for granted. I always just assumed she'd be there for me as she always had. When the day came that she wasn't, it bothered me. Bothered me far more than I wanted to admit to myself back then. It was like I had lost a part of myself. The only way for you to understand would be if you took your heart out and cut it in half. I know, horrible visual, but that's how it felt. And that before I realized that I loved her. I began to have suspicions, of course. It just didn't seem right, you know? To have those kinds of feelings for my best friend. Talk about walking around in a cloud of confusion. When I finally realized that it was love, the cloud lifted and things were suddenly so clear. Like I said, my entire life seemed to make sense.
She made it make sense. It wasn't raining when I finally got enough courage to tell her. I honestly think that was the bravest thing I ever did. Even now, I can't believe I said those three little words to her and meant them with every fiber of my soul. I love you. Three words that can completely change your life. She was stunned, to say the least. I think she thought I was joking when I first whispered those words. She just sat there, her beautiful face shocked. I was so scared she was going to laugh or push me away or hate me. Instead, she had sat there in silence for nearly twenty minutes, lost in thought. Then, she'd slowly smiled. My heart stopped when she quietly whispered those same three words back to me. It's sappy to say, but she completed me. The birds sang, the sun shone. You can think of any other silly clichés and they would fit.
I still can't believe I was the one that kissed her. She had seemed startled but soon we had melted into each other. The passion that I felt that night....I can't describe it so I won't even try. Let's just use some more tired clichés. The earth moved, the angels soared. I don't know, I'm running out of sappy things to say. I think you get the point. We've been together for nearly two weeks now. I love coming home to find her waiting for me. I love seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I love listening to her babble. I love how she can see things in ways that no one else can. I love the taste of her body and the feel of her skin and how she smells after a shower. Who am I kidding? I love everything about her. I love Willow.
The rain is letting up a bit now. The sun is setting, the sky a brilliant tapestry of reds and oranges. Soon, it will be dark. I feel a slight tremor of anticipation as I watch the rain in silence. We haven't told anyone about the change in our relationship. It was new and different and honestly I wanted to be selfish and have her to myself. Soon, though, everyone is going to know. It will no longer be a secret. I know how they are going to react. It's not going to be happy. Maybe that's why I'm writing all this down. So that maybe they'll understand. I doubt that they will, but I can hope. It really doesn't matter in the long run. She's my life. Without her, I'm nothing.
I know it might surprise you that I would give it all up for her. I used to talk about girls like that, the ones that would do anything for their boyfriends. With us, it's different. She's the other half of my soul. It's not like I'm changing who I am for her. This is who I always was, it just took me awhile to figure that out. They shouldn't blame Willow. They need to blame me. Do you hear that? Blame me. I made the decision to love her, to be with her. I don't want to hear anyone cursing her or damning her. This isn't her fault. It never was. I had options. I always had choices. And I won't lie. I stayed up all night debating. This is not exactly what I had planned for my life. I just sat there for hours thinking about my life, about my Willow, about life without my Willow. I realized then that I never really had much of a choice. I'd lose it all, give it all up, just to be in her arms, just to feel her body against mine when I wake up. So, now, I'm waiting. Waiting to tell her that I love her and want to be with her no matter what anyone says or thinks.
And that's where I guess I'll end this confusing mess. I hope that maybe you'll understand. I doubt it though. Just know that with her, I'm happy. She's not only my past but my future. Even now, I ache for her. Without her, I'm nothing. Oh, don't deny it. I mean, I know I'd still be me, but being me wouldn't be the same me without her. Damn, I'm not very good with this explaining thing. I know that you might worry about me. Running away again. I'm sure that's what you'll think. What you'll all think. We're not running away though. We're running forward. I have no idea where we're going. I don't even care. With her, I'd go to hell and back. This will be the last thing I ever write you. That, I can promise. Know that I love you all. No matter what might happen, what you might hear or feel, I do love you. You're my family but I have to leave. Trust me, it's better this way. I can't promise that I won't be back, but I hope that I'm not. Get away from Sunnyvale and never look back. That's my goal. The rain is starting to fall again. It's getting louder. She'll be here soon. Rather funny, isn't it? The cycle of rain and my life. Birth, death, love lost, love found....I can see her now. She's waiting for me. I'd better go before she gets too wet. Goodbye. I do love you all. Wish me luck.
She laid down her pen, her hazel eyes moving over the pages of words she had written. Smiling wryly, she wondered if any of it made sense. Probably not, but she felt better. That's what was most important. She stood up, looking out the window and seeing Willow waiting for her. She smiled as she walked away from her desk, opening her balcony doors and looking at her lover. Without saying a word, she looked from Willow's soft smile to the outstretched hand. She reached for her coat, sliding it over her shoulders. She picked up the bag that she had packed, pulling out Mr. Pointy and smiling. Holding it, she went to the desk and set it by the letter. She looked around one last time before moving back to the balcony.
"Buff?" Willow asked, holding out her hand as she waited.
"I'm ready," Buff said, taking Willow's hand and stepping into the rain. She looked up as she felt it wash over her face. Looking back at Willow, she said, "I love you."
"I love you," Willow said softly, her hand stroking the blonde's cheek.
"Can we go now?" Buff asked, not wanting her mother to realize that she had left.
Willow nodded, "Yes. We can leave this town. I hate it here."
Buff smiled as she followed the redhead towards the ground. Once they were both down, they kissed softly, the rain beating down on them. "Come on," Buff said as she ran, pulling Willow behind her. The blonde twirled the redhead, laughing as they danced and ran. Finally, when they were several miles from her house, Buff stopped, leaning against a tree as she caught her breath. "I love the rain."
Willow smiled, "I know."
Buff smiled as she nodded, "Yeah, I figured you would." She cocked her head to the side, feeling the water soaking through her clothes as she looked at Willow. "I'm ready."
Willow smiled, "So pretty. I love you, Buff."
"Not as much as I love you, Willow," the slayer said with a grin. She brought her hand up to touch Willow's cheek, her thumb wiping away a raindrop. "Together, forever."
Willow nodded, moving her hand over Buff's neck. Her eyes flashed yellow as she let her demon come forward, "Forever," she whispered before sinking her fangs into the blonde slayer's neck as she ran her fingernail over her wrist, preparing it for her lover.
Buff moaned softly at the initial pain but soon felt herself moving against Willow's petite body. She could hear the gentle sucking of her lover as she felt the coolness of Willow's tongue against her heated skin. She watched the rain fall as she felt her life slipping away, its cycle never-ending as she waited for her coming death and her eventual rebirth. She smiled softly, liking the idea of being with Willow forever. She really did love rainy days.