Damn it, Xander. What happened to us? We used to be such good friends. I can still remembed that first day I saw you. I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you smile. Do you remember that? We were six. Even then, you hated school. Cordelia was picking on me, as usual. You defended me, helping me off the ground. Then, you smiled. I knew I had made a friend for life.
I don't mean to be getting weepy on you. Just feeling nostalgic. It's been so long since we've talked. I mean, really had a good old fashioned talk. Why? I know we've been growing up. I guess we've been growing apart too. I never wanted to lose our friendship though. What happened? I know...I know...that fluke. It screwed everything up. You lost Cordelia. I lost Oz. But, we were friends. We should have dealt with it. I think that's what hurt us. Hurt our friendship....I wish I could change it. I'd do anything to have that back.
I'm sorry about Anya. I know you loved her. She's going to regret leaving you. I know. I should talk, right? You're right. I left you, in a way. I chose Oz instead of you. But, you didn't want me...not like that. If it makes you feel any better, everyday I wish I had chosen you. Oz wasn't what I thought. He was never the right one for me. It was always you. Did you know that I still loved you? No? I figured that might be a surprise. I hid it well.
I couldn't tell you. I was the one that had decided we weren't meant to be. You had Anya. I had Oz. After I lost Oz, it just reminded me how stupid I was to have lost you. Not only did I love the chance that you might love me, I lost your friendship. The very thing I was trying to save all along. I don't know. I know that I have to move on. I have, in a way. You'll always be the first one in my heart. I wish things had been different but I accept that we had different paths. I did find someone that makes me feel loved. He feels like a part of me, almost. I have only had that with you in the past.
It is rather shocking that Spike loves me, isn't it? He's good for me though. Helped me a lot these last few months, as you know. Do you have regrets about us? I know you loved me. I heard you that night in the hospital. Did I ruin that for you too? I think I saw love in your eyes after Oz left. I wonder if things might have been different if you hadn't Anya then. Would we have gone that final step and allowed ourselves to find love with each other?
You're right, I'm sure. Probably not. I miss our friendship so much. You know, it's funny. I never realized until I didn't have it how huge a part of my life it was. I know, you never quit being my friend. But you have to admit that it was different. It had been different ever since Buffy had come to town. She changed everything. In a way, I wish I'd never met her.
Is that shocking? Don't get me wrong, Xander. I love her dearly. I'd never want anything to happen to her. I just sit and think about how things might have gone if she'd never come to Sunnydale. I know, I'd probably be dead. Or a vampire. Even worse. I owe her my life many times over. I just wonder if Jesse might still be alive. If you and I would have gotten together eventually. If we never would have had to face what this town was...what real evil lurks out there.
I wouldn't change many things in my past. I can honestly say that. Everything bad has helped make me who I am now. But I would change us. Even if we hadn't found love together, I wish we had never lost that link...the special connection. You remember it don't you? The way we could almost read each other's minds....the way we loved each other. Even in friendship, that love was there. We knew it, as did everyone around us. I wonder why we allowed ourselves to lose that.
Damn it Xander, I miss you so much. Why? Why couldn't you talk to me? I was always your friend. Did you think I'd left you? Forgotten you? How could you ever think that? I would have done anything for you. You are always going to be my best friend. Nothing will ever change that.
I can still remember that day. The day my entire world turned upside down. Was it my fault? Did I make you feel excluded? I just wish I knew. I hate having to wonder if I could have stopped it. If I could have just held you tight and made you feel loved. You were loved, Xander. No matter what you thought, we always loved you. Did you do it to escape? I can understand that, in a way. I just hate you, so much.
Why? Why kill yourself? Was it worth it? Do you feel no pain now? Are things the way you always dreamed? For your sake, I hope they are. You deserved so much, my Xander. I just wish you had told me...had let me help. I don't hate you, you know. I love you. Still. So very much. Some nights I wake up thinking I've heard you laughing. Other nights I wake up crying. Spike just holds me. It's all he can do. You're gone. No one can bring you back. You couldn't even bring yourself back, in the end. Did you even want to?
I heard that, Xander Harris. Don't tell me to forget you. I won't, and I never will. Nothing will ever change that...nothing has EVER changed that. Do you like this spot? I chose it. I thought you'd like the view. Also, the tree to shade you. It's a willow tree. I know that one day I won't able to come out here and watch over you anymore. The tree will be here to remind you of me....remind you that you are cared for...even now.
I guess I'd better go. It's starting to get dark. You don't have to remind me to get out of the cemetary after dusk. I'll be back tomorrow. Same time. Same place. I kissed the tombstone. I hope you can feel it, where ever you are. I can feel your smile. I guess you did feel it. This connection between us will never fade. It will link our souls, through life and death. Sleep well, my beloved. Be at peace in the place you are. I love you, Xander. Always and forever.